As 'Shaz' of Bridget Jones would say...

Well...fuck me...

Turns out Keeley has a last name. It's Hazell. I feel SO stupid *grace shuffles feet and looks at floor*

I thought she was of that generation of cocktail waitresses with no surnames that Meg Ryan's character talked about in 'You've Got Mail'.

Still can't stand her though. And I want to say that it's JUST that I can't stand all the patriarchy that has lead to her feeling forced into the page-3 industry ...but really, i'm just having a hard time liking her.

She's 20, she first got into the industry when she was 16/17 - she's been in this a mere 3/4 years and you should see her CV: (wikipedia page)
Filmography

Cashback (2006) ... Naked Girl
FHM 100 Sexiest: The Singers (UK TV Special) (2006) ... Presenter

Polls and Honours

Winner of The Sun's Page 3 Idol 2004
#17 in Loaded's 100 Peachiest Celebrity Chests 2005
#1 in Zoo's Britain's 10 Sexiest Models
#1 in Zoo's 100 Sexiest Bodies 2005
#2 in The Sun's Favourite Page 3 Girls of All Time
Voted "Best Page 3 Girl" in the FHM Bloke Awards 2006
#2 in FHM's 100 Sexiest Women In The World 2006
Winner of The Sun Online's Reality Babe Cup
#1 in Zoo's 100 Sexiest Bodies 2006
Best Celeb Body 2006 (More readers' survey)

Career

Modelling
At 16, Hazell left school to work at a hairdresser. Her colleagues persuaded her to try her luck at modeling. At 17, she competed in The Daily Star's "Search for a Beach Babe" contest and won. She later quit hairdressing and enrolled at Lewisham College to start a City & Guilds in fashion, but was not there for very long. A friend told her about The Sun's Page 3 Idol competition. Despite some initial uncertainty about entering the contest, she submitted some photos. She was eventually chosen the winner in December 2004. She won £10,000 worth of "sexy clothes" and "a one-year membership of the Rex cinema and bar" ("All hail Keeley"). Also, three cast sculptures were made of her bust by sculptor Leigh Heppell. Two are in the Sun offices and one is in her house (Coan 78).
Also part of Hazell's Page 3 Idol win was a 1-year exclusivity contract with The Sun. She is currently being handled by Jon Fowler, who also manages Kelly Brook.
Hazell is regularly featured in Zoo and continues to appear in The Sun at least once every two weeks (boosting sales by 25,000 when she is on the front page ("Alternative Icons of the Year")). She has been on the cover of The Sun's 2006 and 2007 Page 3 calendars, in addition to her own 2006 and 2007 wall calendars, the latter of which sold 30,000 in its first days of release.
Hazell was offered a chance to be in Playboy, but declined because she was not comfortable doing a full nude shoot.
Hazell is the face of Sony Computer Entertainment Europe's Formula One 06 video game for the PlayStation 2, PlayStation Portable, and PlayStation 3.

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Just bolded a few points there...I was prompted to do this post by going onto Amazon.co.uk, innocent enough - then I saw it - "Get ready for 2007 and save up to 40% on Diaries, Calendars & Annuals, including the sexy Keeley Calendar 2007."

So I clicked on it. I've seen this calendar before in shops but never have I really looked - apparently her 32E chest is real and that's what all the fuss is about. Personally I think her legs look too thin for the rest of her body, but then it could just be the way she's straddling while doing up her frilly underwear.

Mostly I was (not) shocked by the comments - all of which I clicked as 'not helpful' :
1. "This is pretty much ronseal, you get exactly what it says on the tin. A pretty lady, with pretty much no clothes on. The only problem is that i already know what Feb through to Dec look like - can't they make one where we're forced to wait before flicking through? You know us boys, unless we're forced to we think foreplay is done at St Andrews."

I'm perplexed by this one - what does putting off that first monthly wank have to do with foreplay? And I really do love how some men assume that all women expect foreplay and it's just one of those troublesome things one has to put up with if you want to sleep with someone more than once.

2.Im sorry Keeley, but this aint a book! what is it doin in this list? Ok it's selling well but its still only a calendar!!! I've given it 5 stars for her, she's gorgeous, and i do think blokes should buy it but stop raving like its the best thing since sliced bread on a book review, it's ridiculous! Having said that, buy it! she's stunning!

This one started okay and then he just had to go for the obvious anyway didn't he?

3.I don't see how I can right a review on this without it getting teared to pieces. But, I do want to reccomend this a lot. She is very hot, the pictures are great, and there is a decent amount of space given away from the pictures to actually tell you the date and day.

Do NOT buy this if you have a family. This calendar is not just Keely in hot underwear, but it is rather more explicit than that. The calendar is great for any teenager, or young male.

Once again, not if you have a family, and if you are a christmas shopping mum do not buy this for young kids. The pictures are great, better than any of the other "girl" calendars, for anyone looking for a real hot calendar to spice up their bedroom and to show off to friends.

10/10

That's my favourite I think. "The calendar is great for any teenager, or young male" - but by that he means any teenage male as well surely? Not ANY teenager. The main point being though is the fact that they're saying 'give this to young men, make them look at this sexxxeeee laydeeee, they'll really appreciate you showing them the way to true manhood' . "...do not buy this for young kids" - DAMMIT! I just ordered two for my twin 9 year old cousins...cancel cancel cancel!

"...and to show off to friends" - look at MY wank-fodder, it's sooo much better than YOUR wank-fodder!

4.Keeley Hazell, voted second sexiest woman in the world in FHM this year, is ultimately unbelievably hot, and this year's calendar only boosts this statement. Every month of Keeley's calendar features a different and gorgeous image of the London goddess; 9/12 of which are topless. any man aged between 16 and 30 will adore this as a Christmas gift. The only negative to be said about this calendar is that, in comparison to the 2006 calendar the images seem rather disorganised, while the 2006 calendar featured a shoot on a single location which made it seem much more professional. However, do NOT be swayed by this!

To sum up, Keeley's #01

ANY MAN! Any hot blooded, sound-of-mind, misogynistic, male-chauvinist bastard will love this!

5.The photographs in this calender are so amazing - its unbelievable! Any red blooded male that doesn't fancy Keeley should be sent for an I.Q. test. She is the ultimate woman and this calender proves just that. Last years release from Keeley was great but this one is 10 times better and so much more sexy and sophisticated.

Keeley Hazell - WE SALUTE YOU!!!

Oops, wrong again, THAT'S my favourite - I'd like to challenge that really - perchance men with higher IQ's might be too busy/lofty/not interested in relationships? Or perhaps just men who don't like porn stars just don't fancy her, and maybe they have a high IQ and maybe they don't. Those tests only test your ability to do IQ tests though anyway (or was that 11+?)

6.keeley is absolutely gorgeous and this calendar shows off the 20 year olds curves and yummy bits perfectly.i have got mine ordered.I LOVE YOU KEELEY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

There were more !!!!! than that but I cut it down. Not sure what the real need was to point out her age there - curves AND yummy bits? Goodness me i'm bitterly jealous! Apparently in love with her after only seeing her bosom? Because let's face it none of these men are looking at her face. If the Keeley 2007 calender was just her face on the cover with her name in small print hidden behind the next row of calenders it probably wouldn't get sold!

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I'm guessing if anything i'm going to get some 'you're just jealous, and obviously ugly and fat blah blah blah...stop being such a man hating feminist blah blah blah...you're so young and angry and you don't know what life is yet, you have no right blah blah blah...' - so you're considering one of those comments or anything telling me why keeley is god's gift, you can piss right off...thanks!

I'm sure she's a lovely person, who has just been completely misguided by the lure of fame and money, but I don't really like people who do things just for the money or the fame so she's not my kind of gal, alright?